Mental Health, my story....

I don't know exactly when my mind bending trauma began.

I do not know which traumatic event sent me into a place

where I was always on guard, waiting for the next shoe

to drop. I can identify many events throughout my youth

that may have played a part in my need to push back

the memories, to use a drug addled blanket to hide

underneath. When my defense mechanisms engaged

and I was locked and loaded. Short temper, trusting no

one completely, but having to pretend to trust. smoking

or snorting my way through life, pretending i was okay.

I wasn't.

The first real trauma that I can remember was when Daddy left my sister J to walk home from a high school band concert that was many miles from home, a very long walk, all through the city. I remember searching in the Blazer with Mummy and probably daddy, I was scared for my sister and sort of scared of my parents. I remember eating differently than usual.

There was the same sister that lost a baby to SIDS, and then again a couple of years later. The sight of a child sized coffin tore me to pieces. Why would it be so easy to find a resting places for children, children don't die, they were just starting!

When I was 13 I walked into the house to my parents arguing loudly, as i came in I heard my father calling my mother a "fucking lesbian". I did not take that well. It hurt my mother to know I was so upset by what was making her happy.

At 17, my father died an awful death after a long battle with alcoholism. I was already involved in drugs and it just allowed me to go get more deeply involved.

I wasn't a miserable drug addict. It was all still fun. Until the day I walked into my mother's room to find she had passed a few hours before.

After that I think may have been the tipping point. I was existing in a shell allowing B to drag me along feeding me the things i needed to keep going.

At 27 my oldest sister V died from heroin and alcohol eating her liver, she was 36.

My dad played mind games that messed us all up some., I chose men who would do the same thing. wanting to "get me worked up". Getting me worked up consisted of teasing and saying subtly hurtful things.

Now I don't care if I never get into a relationship. I am not going to drop my guard around anyone again. Even my boys picked up some of it and it hurts more than people know. I was isolated so well back in the day that I prefer my company over anyone else's but my boys.

Finding the right therapist has proven to be difficult. I decided to go back to a local place whose former therapist is now gone, so I will try the new one.

I am not blaming anyone for my mental illnesses. I put myself into positions that I should have known better. There were plenty of red flags as far as B goes, I chose to ignore them, envisioning someone completely different than the man in front of me.

My reactions to trauma came up in the early 2000s I have been to emergency rooms because I often feel like I wish I could die. Not in a suicidal way, but like a plane engine landing in my room killing me instantly. I used to imagine crossing the yellow line and driving into a big truck. The thing that stopped me was knowing that truck driver has a reason to live, and I wasn't going to take that away from him.

I have been to a couple of Psych wards and I was always sad after I had left. There was no outside world in there, everyone is so concerned about themselves that I was not noticed. I could see that my mental health was top notch compared to many of the people in there.

I still overreact, I still have hissy fits on occasion, but with proper medications I am seeing some real progress. I am always open to talk about my experiences . Feel free to comment or contact me personally; strawberry0ne@gmail.com